Category Archives: Fail

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of These Brownies

Pumpkin Vegan Brownies... I think.

I love brownies. There’s something about the chocolaty, chewy, moist middles, surrounded by crispy, crunchy edges. I decided to try my hand at making a healthier alternative to regular brownies.

I came across multiple references to substituting all the liquid ingredients for a can of pureed pumpkin. No oil, no eggs, not even any water. Just pumpkin. Everyone said that it was just like eating a regular brownie.

They were dead wrong. It had the consistency of dense, bread pudding. Like a moist cake collapsed in on itself. It was chewy just like a brownie, but it verged on almost rubbery.

If you MUST make them, all you need to do is take your favorite brownie recipe (whether it’s from a box or from scratch) and replace all the liquid ingredients with a 15 oz. can of pure pumpkin. Bake as directed.

 

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Lack of Cinnamon, Lack of Rolls

Cinnamon Rolls

Cinnamon Rolls...sort of

I made cinnamon rolls the other day. Scratch that. I tried to make cinnamon rolls. What you see is what I ended up with. Everything went well until I had to actually roll it up. The dough was too wet and stuck to the counter. In addition to that, most of the cinnamon filling oozed out because it was way too much. So what did I do? I threw out the excess filling. Big mistake.

When I was able to get it rolled as best I could, I pretty much plopped it into the casserole dish and went from there. The result was less than ideal. The cinnamon flavor was barely there. I suppose the silver lining was that it was actually cooked all the way through. I’m notorious for par-cooked, sometimes raw breads.

 

Not Really Cinnamon Rolls

Dough

  • 3/4 c milk
  • 1/2 stick butter
  • 3 1/4 c AP flour
  • 1 envelope of active dry yeast
  • 1/4 c white sugar
  • 1/2 t salt
  • 1/4 c water
  • 1 egg

Cinnamon Filling

  • 1 c packed brown sugar
  • 1 T cinnamon
  • 1 stick butter, softened

Melt the 1/2 stick of butter in the milk. Allow it to cool. Combine 2 1/4 c flour, yeast, sugar, salt. Add water, egg, and milk/butter mixture. Stir to combine. Add rest of flour, 1/2 c at a time, just until dough forms. Knead until smooth and allow to rest in warm place for 10 minutes.

Combine butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon in small bowl. Roll out rested dough into rectangle about 1/2 inch thick. Spread cinnamon filling all over and roll up. Cut into 12 equal pieces and allow to rise.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F and bake for 20 minutes.

Since I couldn’t get it to roll, I didn’t really let it rise the second time. Meh.

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Six Degrees of Canadian Bacon

This is not bacon

Canadian bacon is a travesty. It besmirches the good name of bacon. You expect a symphony of salty, fatty, crispy, smoky goodness. Instead, you get a disc of ham. That’s it. That’s all there is. There’s nothing special about it. It may be a healthier alternative, but why bother?

I should sue for false advertising. Bacon, as defined by the Paula Deen-English Dictionary, is meat that has been sliced from the depths of porcine fauna, salt cured, and smoked. Those slices are then fried to a state of crisp perfection. I think Oprah’s hetero life partner Gayle would agree: Bacon is better crispy.

I tried to fry this so-called Canadian bacon and it turned into a gloopy mess. The exterior casing/rind caramelized and left unappetizing streaks of what appeared to be motor oil residue all over the face of the meat.

Frankly, that extra surface area just doesn’t work for me. It means uneven cooking as the meat will tend to curl in on itself like normal bacon. Curling and name DO NOT MAKE BACON.

There’s a slab of peppered smokehouse bacon in my fridge that is calling my name. It may be embellished bacon, but at least it’s actual bacon.

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